My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.