Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box