“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
no regrets
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.