We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please