I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.