“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You Might Also Like
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10