[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Best seat on the street 😍
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed