PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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