Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Word!
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy