What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
What the hell happened here.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping