TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.