“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I’m not stressed