Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.