Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Social Media and Real life
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Breaking news:
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him