My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Autocorrect completely socks
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?