“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids