I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Who’s your best friend?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*