When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.