“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.