The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
You Might Also Like
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?