[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
How to wake up a Beagle
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}