My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”