People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
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Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“I wouldn’t.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
This is sending me to another galaxy
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments