The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts