Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
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3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga