“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
this is uni
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows