Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm