Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo