Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I hate when that happens.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Ovenable?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce