Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day