I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.