Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
LOL
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
is nasa ok
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Not now. I’m deglazing.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.