Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot