Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
You Might Also Like
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.