CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”