*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You Might Also Like
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’