I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Beware of fowl play.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently