This gonna be me in 2 weeks
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Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.