Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.