Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!