If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.