Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.