100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people