A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
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peeping toms
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ