Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN