[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”