i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”