Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Just why bro?!
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.