CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
New Tinder profile.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
translated into Canadian
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.