Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
shut up and take my money
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’d love this…lol
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Roses are red, you always mattered,